How to Beat Depersonalization
To stay charged up, we’ve got to stay plugged in. This article will tell you how to do just that, by beating depersonalization.
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Influence Coaching focuses on helping leaders measurably improve their energy, relationships, and effectiveness so that they can succeed at work and home. That’s because my goal is to help leaders proactively beat burnout’s three dimensions of emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, and a lack of personal accomplishment. In this post, we will take a look a the second of those three dimensions: depersonalization.
What is depersonalization?
In the context of burnout’s three dimensions, think of depersonalization as “disconnection.” It’s a disconnection both from people and purpose.
Disconnection from people
Often depersonalization follows from emotional exhaustion. When you don’t have the energy to deal with people, you naturally start to withdraw from them. By the way, don’t confuse depersonalization and introversion. Introverts draw their emotional energy internally, and dealing with the external world then causes them to spend that energy. I’m naturally introverted, yet I really do like people. It’s just that they make me tired. So, I have to go through rhythms of time alone to think and recharge followed by times of intentionally engaging with people. Here’s a quick check-in: Are you more connected with your phone or with the people around you?
Remember, you can do great things, but you can’t do it alone!
Disconnection from purpose
That disconnect can also happen when we feel disconnected from what makes life or work meaningful (and that will also lead us to the “ineffectiveness” that is also a feature of burnout). When we no longer find meaning in the work we do, we naturally find ourselves spending more and more time daydreaming, checking social media, or otherwise disengaged.
To the extent that we can line up the why we do things with the what and the how, we can inspire others and experience greater fulfillment. For more on the importance of staring with “why,” check out this TED Talk from Simon Sinek.
The reason depersonalization is such a bad thing goes beyond just burnout. For me, it’s the beginning of a tragic story. Here’s what I mean by that. During one season of my career, I taught humanities classes. In those classes, we talked about the difference between a tragic story and a comic one. In summary:
The difference between a tragic story and a comic one is not that one is sad and the other is happy. Tragic stories end in isolation. Comic stories end in community.
As a consequence: when you give yourself over to depersonalization, you put yourself on the tragic path. I’ve seen it time and again in both careers and families. Don’t let yourself make this mistake.
How to recognize depersonalization
Here are some ways that my clients describe the their experiences of “depersonalization”:
Withdrawing from everyone
Cynicism
Unproductive conflict
Binging on Netflix
Unproductive conflict
All task focus with no concern for relationships
Saying “I don’t care.”
What makes it so prevalent
Once again, let’s go back to the issue of emotional exhaustion - when we find ourselves under constant strain and in continual states of fight or flight, we want to withdraw. Heck, we may NEED to withdraw in order to protect ourselves. And 2020 has been a year where we’ve seen a lot of stress and strain on individuals, organizations, and society as a whole.
When we are worn out, we start to disconnect. Sometimes this disconnect is in order to rest (which is healthy). Other times this disconnect is in order to numb (that’s not healthy). In other words, that first glass of wine at the end of the day may be a chance to relax - but that third or fourth glass is about something else …
Tips for overcoming depersonalization
Know your personality type.
Because of the connection between emotional exhaustion and denationalization, you need to understand where you draw energy. If you are more extroverted and enjoy connecting with people and lots of activity, then make sure you stay connected with people and activities in order to keep your emotional batteries full so that you can continue to build meaningful relationships and pursue the things that matter to you. If you are more introverted, then be sure to find time to withdraw from constant noise and activity so your emotional batteries don’t get depleted. That way you can maintain meaningful connections with a smaller group of close-knit relationships.
Take a sabbatical.
In the same way that “sabbath” (taking a purposeful day of rest and refreshment) helps us rest and recharge to overcome emotional exhaustion, a sabbatical can help us recharge to reconnect with our sense of purpose. As a side note, when you aren’t clear on your core values, you are more prone to experience the slow and constant drain that comes from doing things you don’t really believe in. So make a point to ask yourself, “What matters most to me in life?” and “What am I doing about that?” (There are a growing list of resources to help you with this, including this values identification exercise that I created years ago.)
Use small experiments.
My book, How to Beat Burnout for Yourself, Your Family, and Your Team, describes how you can use small experiments that will create big improvements in your energy, relationships, and effectiveness. For more on beating depersonalization, listen to chapter 7 in the audio player below.
Download The Formula for Beating Burnout
To beat depersonalization, you will want to download this FREE PDF on the formula for beating burnout.